Kim

where has it gone?/the inspiration/my indication/that my soul is alive/thrives/somewhere out there/bare and alone/tiny, vulnerable and prone/ to over-indulgence of the worst kind/my mind/crumbles and falls/tumbles and crawls/fumbles and mauls/its way through the deep abyss of soulessness/i dive/into the pits of listlessness/without flesh/barely dressed/repressed/depressed/helpless and lost...

because i can't find myself anymore.

Every time I find a boy I think is smarter than the average bear, every time I find a boy that seems to understand me in the way that I need to be understood, it always turns out that he is either, gay, taken or a player. Sometime more than one at once. What is wrong with me? Why do I seek out relationships that are bound for doom? Why is it that I let my heart whisper the words 'i love you'? Why is it that I let my mind believe my heart? Why do I fall for the emotionally unavailible?

We've fallen into a pattern of comfortability. You think that we're a good couple, you claim to tell people that. But how is that true when you barely tell anyone about us? You hide behind a facade of kindness, but in truth, you are crueler than you know. Your obsession with image has torn me, and left pieces of me aching. You say that I don't care enough, but with all of the objects of affection that you buy me, you have never given me what I really want -- your heart. Until I demanded it you couldn't even give me exclusivity.

You wanted the control in this relatioship, and I've given it to you for months. What has come out of it but hiding, and pain? How many times have I felt ashamed of myself and the way I look just because you are? Feelings that I never harbored before. Feelings that you instill in me with your need to constantly look good in the eyes of others, when in fact you only succeed in making me look bad in my own eyes?

This has gone on too long. I need change, or this relationship is over.

Now I have to learn how to say this without tears.

and they put her dirty laundry
out in the open

so everybody could see
all the stains that

had gathered there over
the years that she

tried so hard to wash
away with tears
and drink
and drug
and life

drowning in a mountain of clothes
she cries
helplessly reaching out
for anyone
anything
to help

somehow she can't give up
though the signs point to yes
somehow she can't stop
believing that all stains will fade

with time.

yes
was what he said
to
the blind woman
who
happened to walk by.

she saw right through him.

faded forever
my vision of perfection
this image of you

gone in memory
are the happy smiles we share
one thoughtless moment

back... again.
it was said
---but not taken
too seriously

where am i now
now im lost
--torn and shaken
tears furiously

streaming... down
course and dry
--heart awakened
head curiously

still willed and filled
with thoughts of

death

i thought there was light
but it was only darkness
until i found you

On Self Inspection

self reflection in the wrong direction / inspection at the wrong mental intersections / protection from truly epiphonic introspection / indeed is the need to weed away the dire infections/ to remain maintain only stains only claims and pains of injuries/ flurries of blurries/ can't remember the tender splendors/ or the true owner of the boner / stoner / self analysis smooth like molasses/ skip the bad parts/ to hell with this/ paralysis as the shortcomings surface/ the feeling of purpose surplus/ latest mayhem against the text/ immaculate spectaculars bursting through the vernaculars/ shit, son, don't try and be all fantacular, fantastic, it's bombastic, plastic, fake / don't make me hate / debate, my sanity/ scream profanites and be not myself in a man made hell/ be gone like kiddies at the bell/ hell yah. :)

On Relationships

Oh shit, fantacular as the MANtacular walks by/ I cry/ almost said bye bye / let him fly by/ but was sighed / a "don't try to lie or fake your high/ just settle down your little frown/ let me love ya as the sun goes own"/ obstruction of the construction that was created for a good fuck-tion/ let me show you the true love story/ the old allegory / of unconditional care/ multi-dimensional pair/ connection on a different level/ bevel/ wake up make up disheveled/ Extensional is the forensical musical lair/ that holds the truth and beginning of the rather untypical pair/ up the stair do dare explore the meaning of sparing care/ but it dont matter cuz the splatter that shattes/ the dreams of little babies occured like rabies/ wild and daring crazy like maybe/ I want to/ bite you/ fight you/ spite you/ fuck you / stuff you / love you/ kiss you/ hold you/ miss you. yeah.


On Fraternities

Amazing is the scene of the grazing of the crops/ hazing is spacing the hips from the hops/ shit flies as the guy s realize that they're nothing/ but everything in the eyes/ of the world of lies/ in which they submerge/immerse/ themeselves.

childish laughter
beauty
and life ever after
perfection
that walked past her
she stops
and looks after
realizing
happiness was always found
in childish laughter.

green is different
in my world
said he

"because i want to be brown"

And she turned to him
The tears streaming down her face
Racing for her chin
Only be hastily wiped
By the back of her hand

Her heart clenched
Hardening
Trying not to break
Nails digging into palms
Dagger digging into soul

Misconceptions and
Feelings of emptiness
Return
To their rightful owner.

her view
dont say it
say it
no stop
do it now
please
yes
no
help me
go away
i need you
hes the one for me
good bye
fuck you

his view
okay
okay
okay
stop messing with me
okay
okay
okay
stop
okay
no more games
good bye
whats wrong with you?

whats real whats not
dont know
its all in thought
whats here whats there
dont care
itll only cause you pain

bedazzled, frazzled,
i became entangled
into the web that you spin
the sin the din the terrifying
thrilling, chilling
feelling that i will fall
straight to you afterall

violated was
his ass when the bee stung him
"ow!" he cried... too late

wait
wait he says
for what
she asks
for the day
you can say
this
without tears
then
you will be strong.

try to explain
what it is like
to those
who think
they are confused
...
they dont know
true confusion
...
they just sit there
and listen
and judge
...
they dont say
anything
...
but you can see
it in
...
their eyes
...
when someone
does not
can not
understand
...
your rotton
insides
...
it hurts
doesn't it
you ask
...
but you've changed
the way
they answer
...
the frank truthfulness
is gone
...
replaced are
assurances
that things
are alright
...
they're not alright

desparation
inhalation
inspiration
instigation
inflamation

the world of a drug addict.

did you get
the mail?
ye
assntits

never fall for love
it can be like plummeting
into the abyss